settling

I am writing this from the square at Georgia Tech. It’s beautiful here. It feels so much more like a college compared to Temple. The campus is embedded within the edge of the city but it still has so much space to itself. Big green spaces, proper dorms, greek life and off campus houses. The “square” which is like a 10 min walk from the nearest academic building and 5 min walk from frat row that has all the restaurants and shops students frequent. Reminds me of that Palo Alto shopping square close to Stanford.

I am grateful but also very envious. I imagined college to be more like this but I did choose to go in a city. I should have known better, read more, watched more to know what I was getting myself into. But at that time, I made the best decision for me. My other affordable options was UT Arlington or liberal arts colleges.

I often wish that I let my younger self dream bigger. Chase what I truly wanted. I knew I wanted to go to an prestigious school since grade 10. I always had an uncomfortable feeling watching that facemash/finals club scene from the social network. I knew in my heart, that’s what I wanted, yet I rejected myself before even trying.

I rejected myself from applying to schools I wanted to go to because I just told myself, “I can’t get in this year, why spend energy on choosing colleges, will do it next year.” I ended up coming to a campus I barely knew anything about. The only good things were proximity to NYC and friends. Even when I watched the campus tour video and wasn’t a huge fan, I ignored my feelings and my instincts because the decision was already made.

Don’t get me wrong, given my situation, Temple was the good choice, but maybe it shouldn’t have been a choice in the first place. I wish I took the process of applying to colleges seriously rather than giving up and ending up somewhere decent.

I feel unhappy or unsatisfied with Temple in a constant manner, always finding its faults because, in my heart, I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I just couldn’t get what I wanted and settled.

Just like how it was in Udayan and National Ideal school. I’ve never gone to a school that I completely loved. I always learned to appreciate it though. I remember the first time, I toured Udayan. It was the day to sign admission papers. I liked some aspects and didn’t like others. It was the best option I had. That fate would repeat less than 2 years later.

Now, as a junior, who is shy of 2 years away from graduating and choosing a career path. I’m afraid I will make the same mistake again. I will not try hard or not chase hard after what I really want and instead settle. Settle for what is safe and what I can get. Settle because that’s what I do.

I need to figure out how to break it. I don’t want to live a life wishing It was different. It’s miserable.